Thursday, September 23, 2004

Toilet Humor

A couple of days ago, as I was wiping my myself after using the toilet, I looked at the toilet paper and saw a red stain. It wasn't my menstruation.

There was blood in my rectum.

It's hard enough to spell, it's even harder to admit that I might have hemorrhoids (don't foget the letter H). My rectum has been painful on and off for a month or so. I thought it would go away. I thought I just cut myself with the razor or something.

A quick google and there it is. I'm dreadfully right. I have it and the best treatment for now is fiber supplements and lots of water, for month, until symptoms disappear. And sit on the toilet for less than five minutes: don't strain it.

Why did it happen in the first place? I have two suspects, both leading to a strained asshole. First, I've had a lot of forced, weird, long bowel movements. I try to get everything out, and all these little bits come down. I try hard each time. Second, I read in the john. Newspapers, books, magazines, junkmail. I even write in my journal. If there was a TV around--I can't imagine.

"Taking a dump" should only take five minutes max. I average 15 minutes. When rushing, ten minutes. When playing with myself, a bit longer.

But the best part of now is this: I have a minor, low-quality, no-alarm hemorrhoids (one M, two Rs). I don't need to see a doctor yet or get an operation to cut up my butthole.