Friday, September 24, 2004

Watching Trains Go By

I don't want to be like this. I don't to be angry, but there seems to be nothing else for me. Complacency and indifference is even worse. And giving up the the worst thing to do.

I'm in debt, and I've been in debt for a while. I've been living hand-to-mount, never being able to save anything, for anything. And all my sins are catching up with me.

Not sins, really, but plain ignorance. I never knew what to do with money except spend it. I never really had to worry about where it came from or whether there will be money tomorrow. I grew up thinking that I will never have to worry: my parents could always bail me out.

But now, they're gone. Dead since 1995.

All I have are two sisters in the US. They're married to Americans. I don't tell them anything about my life.

They used to write to me a lot. I had stacks of letters from them before, when I was still in high school. But I never wrote back. Then the letters stopped coming.

When I got my first email account years ago, maybe 1997, I tried to make them get email accounts too. They resisted for years. Now that they do, I feel like I have nothing to say to them.

Bahala na. Live your own lives.

This is the thing: my stress is making me doubly sad. It is so hard to smile nowadays. I don't want to see a psychiatrist again. This blog will have to do, for now.